I’ve been busy with schoolwork, Anna’s been busy writing down quotes from last night’s episode of 30 Rock. Here they are, I don’t think I need to say anything elese.

When it Rains, It Pours – 9/30/10

Liz: Hello, Javery. Time saver.

Jack: Lemon, we have news. Like God, I created man.

Avery: Think about it Liz, every woman my boy dates will be compared to me. And they will be found wanting…

Jenna: Do you remember my tattoo mishap? It was supposed to say “peace” but they wrote “white hooker” instead.

Tracy: I’m werewolfing myself. You know when a dude knows he’s gonna turn into a werewolf and locks himself into a jail? Well I’m embarrassed to say, I’ve missed the birth of both of my sons.

Dot com: Cooking a French bread pizza and forgot.

Dot com: We took Tracy’s cell phone, and his wallet…

Tracy: And my mood ring! And I don’t know how I feel about that.

Tracy: And good for you, Liz Lemon. There’s something about you lately. Making me wanna put my feet in your mouth.

Liz: You coming down?

Jack: And stand outside in a crowd like some Italian? I don’t think so.

Tracy: If I were a real werewolf, I’d wear baggy clothes so my nice clothes wouldn’t get all torn up. Same rule for if I were the hulk. I don’t get why people like brunch. What’s the benefit of combining break dancing and lunch?

Dr. Spaceman: Good morning, full disclosure, most of my experience is putting babies in women.

Dr. Spaceman: Now Mrs. Jordan, I’ve already administered the epidural, so would you like one as well?

Jack: My son. You may not remember me. I am your father. This message is coming to you either from beyond the grave, or because I am in the grip of insanity. The purpose of these DVDs  is to educate and guide you through life in my absence. I will begin with our shared history. The Donaghys originally come from Ireland’s little-known County Steve, where we were whiskey testers and goblins. I was raised in Sandchester, MA, I won the Amory Blaine Handsomest Scholarship to Princeton, and then attended Harvard Business School where I was voted…Most. I once hit a stand-up triple off Fidel Castro. I was the first person ever to say I need a vacation from this vacation. The song you’re so vain was in fact written…by me. In other words I have lived. In living I have learned, and now I want to impart that knowledge to you. I will begin with the basics. You are hiking in the Japanese Highlands. A pair of snow leopards is stalking you, and the blade of your katana is frosted into its scabbard.

Liz: Wow, you must be a good skater.

Richie: Well I can’t go backwards, but yah, I’m good.

Liz: Were you in the army?

Richie: Haha, no, better, Civil War reenactor. I’m kind of an expert at getting shot by smooth-bored firearms.

Tracy: Wow, it’s like I always say. White cab drivers are weird.

Tracy: So for me to be there at the birth of my daughter, I have to answer trivial questions despite having gone to middle school in the Exxon station?

Frank: If you wanted to cheat on Carol with an Italian dude who smells like cigarettes, I’ve made it very clear I would have flipped over my futon for you. NOT COOL.

Jenna: Your new vibe is a double-edge sword. Much like the kind Mickey Rourke tried to kill me with.

Liz: So that’s what I get for being happy and nice, and rocking a cowboy hat that a Kiss FM DJ once called a sweet lid?

Ben Bailey: A gift from France to the United States, the Statue of Liberty was completed in what year?

Tracy: Come on, I don’t know that!

BB: You’ve got 15 seconds or you’re out of the cab.

Tracy: Ok. I remember going to the Statue of Liberty’s centennial cuz that year someone had spread a rumor that she was gonna slip out of her toga. And I wanted to see some green boobies. And the Mets had just won the world series because that night I was randomly attacked by a Mets fan that I thrown a bottle at. And that was 1986. And a centennial is 100 years because centepeding means having sex with 100 women. I got it! 1886!

BB: Weighing up to 4 tons, what type of mammal is the famous Shamu?

Tracy: SHE is an Orca whale, Benjamin. FYI, They’re very difficult to keep in a home aquarium.

Jack: Son I may not be there at your wedding. It breaks my heart to realize that, but I wanna offer you one piece of fatherly advice: do not hire sting to play the reception. He’ll insist on doing jazz versions of Police songs, and it’s just…demoralizing. After I’m gone, your mother may meet someone else. I want her to be happy, so his death must appear to be accidental. The secret to a strong healthy head of hair is dove blood. Remember, the back-flip is 90% confidence.

(After talking to Kenneth):

That is called tough love. Kenneth is now on a journey that will return him here to where he belongs, or will end in his death.

Juggling is easier than it looks.

Brian Williams: This just in. Richie and Liz spotted in tree. Eyewitnesses report K-I-S-S-I-N-G. For more, let’s go to NBC’s Andrea Mitchell.

Liz: I take my hug back!

Liz: Oh realo. I meant to say really, I misspoke. Continue.

Richie: I started doing fantasy hockey camp and civil war recreationism to meet girls, but I don’t know where they are.

Kenneth: Drugs during childbirth? Isn’t the whole point feeling God punish you?

Tracy: The Lazy Susan was invented by Thomas Jefferson. I know because I am a descendant of Thomas Jefferson and Lazy Susan herself! The capital of the United Arab Emirates is Abu Dhabi. I know that because if I go back there I’ll be executed. There are 12 tones in the chromatic scale. I know that because I’m a musical GENIUUSSSS!

Jack: This is the way you throw a punch.

Lutz: Wait, what?!

Jack: …and the tree was happy. Shel Silverstein was a communist. And that…is the art of camouflage. And this is how you make love to a woman.

Lutz: Huh?!

Richie: Liz, we’ve had a lot of fun.

Liz: End it, why?

Richie: …but I need to end it.

Liz: End it, why?! Without you around who’s going to satisfy my sex needs, and then some?

Liz: How many guys have been to Canada…twice?

Liz: Are you doing this to me because I don’t share your love of unicorns?

Tracy: Tracy Jordan, Hero, husband, diabetic slash alcoholic! Yes!

Tracy: And I’ll always be at your side, no matter what Discovery Channel game show stands in my way.

Tracy: Why is that baby covered in goop?

Dr. Spaceman: Because everything about this is disgusting.

Jack: As you go through life I will always be here for you through these tapes. Also I have given a great deal of money to the Catholic Church, and have been assured that I will have certain powers in heaven. Sending you messages through animals, for instance. In the unlikely event that you encounter something that isn’t covered here, find a woman named Elizabeth Lemon. Get her advice, and then do the opposite.

Avery: We’re having a damn girl!

Jack: What!?

Avery: That Russian skank read the ultrasound wrong. I’m just so worried about her special reasoning and upper body strength. Jack, talk me down.

Tracy: Jack, I hate to say I told you so. So, welcome to Miami.

Jack: My daughter, I am John Francis Donaghy. I am, your father. If you have the blondness and self-esteem of your mother you will need no advice, life will be easy for you. Otherwise, I’d like to introduce you to Elizabeth Lemon.

Liz: Good afternoon, let’s jump right in. Every human has hair on his or her face, some of us just have more. I think it’s nice to occasionally splurge on a straight-razor shave. If you’re running low on laundry a bathing suit makes perfectly acceptable underwear. Bandanas are a fun, sexy fashion accessory.

Jack: This is over.

Liz: Let just give my reasons! Put potato chips on a sandwich!